


Cards on the Table, We're Both Showing Hearts

by remipachu



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Maya, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Interrupted Confession, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Rated T for swearing, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24844474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remipachu/pseuds/remipachu
Summary: What happens when you fall in love with your best friend, but you know there's not a chance she loves you too?A story in three parts: first from Maya's perspective, then from Kaoru's, and a final resolution.
Relationships: Seta Kaoru/Yamato Maya
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	1. I. Maya

It had started on a sunny summer afternoon.

It was Maya’s first year of high school. After a long while of preparing, and then putting on, the first play of her high school career, the drama club was finally taking a break: no meeting today. And no meeting, for Maya, meant an afternoon spent with her best friend Kaoru.

Well... Perhaps it was more accurate to call Kaoru her  _ only _ friend. That was fine, though! It was more real friends than Maya had had practically her entire life. Not that Maya was lonely; no, it was more like she had a hard time connecting to people, and they had a harder time connecting to her. But Kaoru, oh Kaoru. Kaoru seemed to understand her perfectly, and didn’t even mind when Maya started acting weird. And Maya got her too! It had taken a little bit, sure, but for the most part Maya understood exactly what Kaoru meant, even when she started using Shakespearean terms that she didn’t really get the meaning of.

Thus Maya found herself out in the shopping district with Kaoru on a pleasant September afternoon. This was a pretty typical destination of theirs, though they hadn’t gone there too recently, what with the play and all. The two didn’t necessarily like to shop together, but all the local restaurants made for a truly friendly atmosphere that was attractive even to the most shopping-averse.

Today, at the present moment, they had found themselves in a small thrift store (probably owned by the parents of a local high-schooler, if the other shops were anything to go by). There wasn’t too much here that really interested Maya, since she already had all the clothing she thought she needed. Kaoru, however, was having a blast. Not that she showed it in the traditional sense. Rather, she was staging an elaborate fashion show for Maya, trying on a litany of mostly-ill-fitting suit pieces. Despite that, Maya thought they looked perfect on her. There was just something about those fancy, androgynous-to-masculine style that was just Kaoru’s style.

“Ooh, Kaoru-san, that’s the best one yet!” Maya stared in awe of Kaoru’s latest ensemble, something just between a business suit and a tuxedo. These ones actually fit her quite well, even though she didn’t really know how to tie the tie.

“Do you think so?” Kaoru asked, giving herself a look in the mirror. “I have been experimenting with this sort of style lately. I find myself feeling quite... Well, like myself when I wear clothes like this.”

“I think it suits you perfectly!”

Kaoru turned to give Maya a smile. She really had such a nice smile. It was soft and understated, and it made Maya feel something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Probably happiness that her friend was happy.

After a few more outfits, they decided to head out. Kaoru purchased the one Maya had specifically complimented, along with one other, and just to be polite Maya had bought a green flannel shirt. After the hour and a half spent in the thrift store, they were feeling pretty hungry, so they headed to the local family restaurant.

The streets were quite crowded. That wasn’t good. Especially since the restaurant was directly through the thickest portion... There was so much noise and so much contact and it was starting to get overwhelming. Glancing back and forth, Maya’s breathing started to get a little short. And how would she know she wasn’t going to lose Kaoru? Oh god, this was starting to spiral. Kaoru had never seen her get overstimulated before, not like this. Please, not in public... A whimper let itself out of Maya’s throat. It was too much. Everyone was talking and shoving and Maya couldn’t see with the tears pooling in her eyes and

Kaoru grabbed Maya’s hand and pulled her out of the crowd, spinning her into her arms.

“Are you okay?” she whispered, her voice lowered. With great effort, Maya shook her head. “How can I help?” She tried to indicate that Kaoru should grab her tight, that was the only contact that could help. Miraculously, she understood, and Kaoru squeezed Maya into her chest. Ah, there it was, that was feeling better. Maya began to take deep breaths, eyes closed. It was passing. After a few minutes, she was feeling better. Finally, she opened her eyes and looked up at Kaoru.

Oh.

The rhythm of the beating in her chest had changed.

\--

For the most part, Maya tried to ignore her feelings for Kaoru.

She was shocked the day that Kaoru came to her and announced that she was going to learn the guitar. She wasn’t unhappy, not by any means. In fact, she was more excited than she knew how to handle; her  ~~ crush ~~ best friend would be in on her favorite thing in the whole world  ~~ besides Kaoru herself ~~ : music!

“Kaoru-san!” Maya squealed in happiness when Kaoru showed off her guitar for the first time. It was a gorgeous guitar: a Gretsch White Falcon II. “How did you even get that guitar? It’s so pricey!”

“Heh, I have my ways,” Kaoru chuckled. “It suits my image well, does it not?”

“Oh, it’s perfect. It’s like it was made for you!” Maya’s eyes were sparkling with the possibilities this brought with it. She could play with Kaoru! She’d finally get to really show Kaoru what music, and drums specifically, meant to her. “Can I hear you play? We can go to my house, I have a bunch of amps and effects pedals and you can play however you want!”

“Well, kitten, I am but a beginner...” Kaoru’s smile went slightly crooked, and Maya knew exactly what was going on: she was embarrassed. It was so impossibly cute  ~~ she wanted to kiss Kaoru so badly ~~ .

“That’s okay!” Nothing could wipe the smile off of Maya’s face. “Let’s do it anyway. No better way to learn than to practice!”

After the light sprint that was Maya dragging Kaoru over to her house, Maya found out that Kaoru really wasn’t kidding when she said that she was a beginner. The way that she handled the guitar was awkward and inexperienced, and the nervous manner with which she plugged the guitar into the amp suggested she’d had more than a few bad experiences with feedback. But that wasn’t a big deal, not to Maya.

“So! What have you been working on? Have you learned to play any songs? What’s your favorite?” Maya was a whirlwind of excitement. Her  _ best friend _ was a  _ musician _ now!

“A-ah, well, I have tried to learn a song or two...,” Kaoru began, smiling awkwardly, “It’s just been a rock song or two.” Not for the first time that day, Maya’s face lit up.

“Oh! Can you play for me?” she asked, “Even a few bars?”

“Anything for my dearest friend,” Kaoru mumbled, grabbing a pick from her case. Kaoru hummed a little to herself before tapping her foot and setting off.

Kaoru started at a Bb major, then moved to Eb major, G major, and C major. It seemed like it wasn’t a super complex song, which Maya thought was a good thing, since Kaoru was a beginner. Despite that, though, she sounded good. It was obvious she’d been practicing a lot even before she told Maya. Before she knew it, Kaoru had finished, and Maya was applauding without abandon.

“Kaoru-san, that sounded amazing! I’m so, so happy and proud and I just!” Maya’s smile was almost hurting her cheeks. “It makes me so happy that we can share music now!” Kaoru was smiling too, now. She (carefully, delicately) set down her guitar before reaching into her guitar case and pulling out sheet music.

Kaoru looked at it for a few seconds, then began to hold her hands in the shape of the chords outlining the song. At the same time, she started to sing the lyrics on the page. It was halting, adjusting often as she fixed wrong notes and incorrect chord positions, but Maya sat, enraptured.

Kaoru had an absolutely gorgeous voice. It was as low and smooth as her speaking voice, yet somehow even more. It had a romantic tone to it  ~~ that definitely wasn’t Maya just projecting ~~ . The only thing Maya could focus on was Kaoru’s singing. How could she even think of paying attention to anything else? The world at that moment may well have just been Maya and Kaoru. But just as soon, just as unexpectedly as it had started, Kaoru finished and looked up at Maya.

“How did you enjoy my performance, kitten?” She must have noticed that Maya was paying attention at some point, because that flirtatious smirk that got Maya every time appeared on Kaoru’s face. Maya could hardly speak. In fact, she didn’t. “Kitten? Did you like--”

“I loved y-- it!” Maya sputtered, “I mean, you’re really good at singing. You have a really nice voice.” A more natural smile stretched itself across Kaoru’s face and Maya knew that she had fallen too far to ever get back up.

\--

Her crush had, somehow, only gotten worse from there.

Not only could Maya no longer ignore her feelings, she couldn’t ignore how Kaoru had begun to change. She was growing from the beautiful actress whose only friend was Maya to the handsome prince of Haneoka. It started sometime in the late summer, when she received her first love letter. That love letter had said something along the lines of “I know I’m probably not good enough for you”, and just that was enough to set Kaoru on a quest to make sure every girl she met knew how valued she was.

That had, of course, included Maya. But her poor heart (and the hearts of Kaoru’s growing fan club) couldn’t take it. Every call of “my kitten” or dramatic gesture of faux romantic affection caused Maya to burst into her nervous giggle and turn away, face a deeper red than she thought human faces could get. And every time  _ that _ happened, Kaoru’s flirtatious grin dropped just a little bit and she’d tip her head in confusion. For someone who acted like romance was her sole area of study, she sure had no idea what a real romantic crush looked like.

Her army of fangirls didn’t like the attention she gave Maya, either. Every day it was harder and harder to get any alone time with her best friend without getting glares at best or shoved out of the way and verbally spat on at worst. What hurt most of all is that it would break Kaoru’s heart to know people who claimed to love her were saying such horrible things to her.

One afternoon, Maya found a particularly nasty note in her shoe locker. It was much of the same (you’re too plain, you don’t devote yourself to Kaoru-senpai, what kind of generic name is Yamato anyway), but with so many more insults thrown in. And of course attacking her for her weirder traits as icing on the cake. Maya tried not to let it get to her, but today she couldn’t help but stare at it instead of getting ready to leave the school.

“Maya!” Kaoru called from far away. It hardly reached Maya’s ears. Maya barely even recognized when Kaoru had caught up to where she was staring at the note. “Maya, are you ready to-- What is that?” Snapping back to reality, Maya forced a grin on her face as she crumpled up and hid the note.

“H-huhehe, it’s, huhe, it’s nothing, Kaoru-san...” Well, that probably wasn’t very convincing. And judging by the look on Kaoru’s face, Maya was right about that.

“No, Maya, please allow me to inspect, I mean, please let me look at that...” Kaoru’s voice turned low, the voice she always used when Maya started to get overwhelmed. But that was just overwhelming Maya on its own.

“Just, something mean someone l-left in my locker...” Maya couldn’t look Kaoru in the eye. “It’s fine, really, it doesn’t affect me...” Not when she was lying like that. The paper fell to the ground and Maya couldn’t even see as Kaoru swooped down to pick it up.

Hardly a second later she heard the paper crumpling, slowly, but with force Maya could never have expected from Kaoru. Blinking the tears from her eyes and onto her cheeks, Maya looked up to see uncharacteristic anger contorting her friend’s face until it was nearly unrecognizable. It was terrifying. Kaoru never got mad.

“I’m sorry--” Before Maya could even finish her hoarsely whispered apology she was surrounded by Kaoru.

The dam burst open. Sobs racked Maya’s body as Kaoru stroked her hair soothingly. She was sure that she was staining Kaoru’s blazer at this point, and the thought of that somehow made it so much worse and, ironically, made her cry harder. She didn’t deserve Kaoru.

“Kaoru,” Maya sobbed, “I’m so sorry.”

“Maya...” Her voice was so soft. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I made you mad... And I’m probably ruining your uniform with my stupid tears...”

“No, whoever called themselves a devotee of myself while slandering my best friend made me angry.” She soothed, “And uniforms can always be cleaned. No, what really deserves an apology is whoever made you feel as though you need to apologize.” Try as she may, it was so difficult for Maya to believe it.

“But...”

“No, Maya, it’s true,” Kaoru pulled herself away from Maya just briefly to wipe her tears. Even amidst her despair, that small action made Maya’s heart flutter. She didn’t deserve this. But as long as she had it, she wouldn’t refuse any longer. Not when it so clearly made Kaoru upset.

Kaoru made a motion for the pair to sit down, and Maya followed. It was all she could do not to lean into Kaoru when they sat, especially with Kaoru’s arm around her and pulling her closer. God, how could Kaoru be so, so wonderful?

“I’ll protect you from them,” Kaoru whispered.

“How?” Maya asked.  _ Why? _ was what she wouldn’t let leave her lips.

“You’ll be by my side whenever we aren’t in class,” Kaoru promised, “Anyone who doesn’t want to see you with me will have to leave. And anyone who claims to love me while disliking you will never see a place at my side.”

Kaoru meant it, Maya knew she did. And Maya let herself believe that she wanted to. Just this once, she let herself live in the fantasy where Kaoru loved her too.

\--

That fantasy only seemed more and more fantastical by the minute.

Kaoru had been drifting away. No longer was Maya her only true friend. No, thanks to that very charisma that Maya had been attracted to, Kaoru was now the guitarist for an up-and-coming girl’s band, Hello, Happy World!. Of course Maya was overjoyed, and personally very glad that her private lessons with Kaoru had made her feel more confident and successful as a member of the group. And Kaoru was clearly enjoying herself; every new rehearsal brought stories of the colorful Kokoro and Hagumi, the shy Kanon, the mysterious DJ bear Michelle, and the dry Misaki who seemed to barely tolerate any of their antics.

But... Maya was selfish. More time with the band naturally meant less time spent with her. Maya didn’t want to feel this way! But jealousy has a natsy habit of burrowing into your heart when you don’t notice it, and it lashes out at the worst moments.

“And that was the end of our harrowing visit to Michelle Land,” Kaoru concluded a long story about how she almost died on a rollercoaster.

“Sounds fun, Kaoru-san.” Maya tried to be earnest, but her heart wasn’t in it.

“Well, aside from when dear Kokoro had me face my near-death on that train track to hell, it was!” Kaoru smiled. “I just wish sweet Misaki had been there to come with us. It is a shame that she could not.”

“Do you particularly like Misaki-san?” The words left Maya’s mouth before she could stop herself, and she regretted it immediately. But she couldn’t let it show that it was anything more than an innocent question.

“Of course!” Of course. “She is far kinder than she lets herself appear. Though her words are often laced with annoyance, I do think she had come to treasure the band. And we all treasure her in return.” Maya couldn’t speak anymore. Kaoru must have feelings for someone in the band. Or at the very least, care for them more than she did Maya. Staring into her mug of coffee, Maya sighed. It had gotten cold.

“Ah!” Kaoru exclaimed, looking at her watch. “Speaking of the band, we have practice today. I’m afraid I must depart.” Kaoru stood up, then took Maya’s hand and looked her in the eyes. A beautiful, beautiful smile came across her face. “I will see you tomorrow, my dear.” She kissed Maya’s hand, and then left.

Maya could only stare at her hand.


	2. II. Kaoru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw for mentions of injuries at the end

It had started on a gloomy, humid day.

Kaoru’s first play of her high school career,  _ Hamlet _ , was nearing its opening night. She was ready for it, of course. Almost every night for the past few months had been spent practicing, rehearsing, meandering about her room while reciting her lines until they were etched into her heart and her brain. All that was left to prepare was the blocking of the last few scenes. They had already been blocked before, but something just wasn’t working, and Kaoru knew it.

“Excuse me,” Kaoru raised her hand right as rehearsal was due to start, “I am aware that we are nearing completion of our most special production. But, I would like to request that we re-do the blocking on the soliloquies.” Every eye in the room turned to Kaoru, and she swallowed down the ages-old anxiety that she had long since started trying to conquer.

“Did you have anything specific in mind?” the drama club instructor asked. Kaoru did not, but maybe she could think of something on the fly?

“Um...”

“Actually, teacher, I do,” a voice called from a few seats away. The owner of the voice stood up and revealed herself to be Yamato Maya, Kaoru’s dearest, closest, and so far only real friend in her high school career. Ah, of course it was Maya. She was a genius when it came to the stage, even if she mostly worked from behind the scenes. She was like the puppetmaster, hidden away in the shadows yet truly in control of everything. Ah, what a fleeting role...

...So fleeting that Kaoru had just entirely missed Maya’s ideas. When everyone else had already started to get up, she was stuck sitting in her chair with a stupid smile on her face and oh that was Maya walking over, hi Maya!

“Did you get all of that, Kaoru-san?” Maya asked.

“Well, I may have missed a few words here and there...” Kaoru evaded the question, not letting an embarrassed look enter her face.

“Huhehe, that’s okay!” Maya giggled. “I’ll help you.”

“You are my savior, Maya.” Kaoru could have sworn she saw Maya’s cheeks tinged with a slight bit of pink, but it was probably her imagination.

With Maya’s assurance, Kaoru headed up to the stage. A sense of relief washed over her. This was where she belonged, of course. After a few deep breaths and a quick diction warm-up, Kaoru indicated that she was ready to begin, as did her fellow actors. The first up belonged to another, so Kaoru hung back in the sidelines. They began from their normal position, until Maya began to direct them elsewhere. As they continued, Maya and the main director made more adjustments, until it all came together as a whole.

Maya truly was a genius, and Kaoru was very lucky to have her as a friend. She could only hope Maya felt the same way about herself. Some days it didn’t seem like she did. Those were always worrying moments; Kaoru wanted Maya to love herself. She knew how it felt to be too afraid to be yourself, and Maya’s most “Maya” traits were those she felt drove others away.

Ah, it was her turn. Kaoru strode onto the stage with a practiced confidence. Finding her usual place, just aside of center stage, she waited for Maya to give her direction.

Instead, Maya walked onto the stage with her. She gave Kaoru one of those wonderful smiles of hers, and stood a little bit in front of her, nodding to indicate that Kaoru begin her speech. Kaoru took one more deep breath, and became Hamlet.

“To be, or not to be?” Kaoru pondered. “That is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows...” Maya walked behind Kaoru and brought her hands to Kaoru’s shoulders, positioning her arms. Kaoru’s face flared red and she tried to keep going. “O-of outrageous fortune, or take up arms a-a-against a sea of troubles and by opposing them, sto-- end them.” Maya was guiding Kaoru around the stage now, and though Kaoru suddenly felt like she had the highest fever she’d ever felt, she let herself be moved. “To die, to--to sleep, no more; and by a sleep to end-- to SAY we end the hhhheartache,” Maya was completely reaching around her to pose her now and Kaoru could not do this anymore. “Um. I think, I-I believe I am feeling unwell. I apologize. Perhaps after a short recess we could return to this endeavor...?

Maya looked confused, but nodded nonetheless. Taking that as her pardon, Kaoru fled offstage and sat in one of the chairs, holding a hand to her chest. Her heart was beating so fast? What was this feeling? How had it happened? And why did looking at Maya only make it worse?

\--

It took another two weeks for Kaoru to understand her feelings for Maya.

Of course, those two weeks were filled with even more close moments from the two. It had all come to a head in the costume fitting when Maya was basically dressing Kaoru and Kaoru had literally passed out in the green room. When she came to and saw Maya right above her, staring at her in concern, Kaoru understood. And promptly excused herself so as to avoid any further embarrassment.

But Kaoru couldn’t run from her feelings forever. No; in fact, they were chasing her at every opportunity. Every time Maya laughed that adorable laugh of hers, every smile that she sent Kaoru’s way, every time she heard that beautiful voice calling “Kaoru-san!”, Kaoru’s heart started accelerating without stopping. It was nearly too much to bear.

Perhaps that was part of the reason she started to act more flirtatious with everyone. If she told every girl they were the light of her life, then there would be no reason to suspect that she was being 100% genuine every time she said it to Maya!

So that was how Kaoru found herself facing her fifth love confession that week. A meek girl stood in front of her at the side of Haneoka’s main building. Her face was that tell-tale red, and her face betrayed her nerves. It was clear what she wanted to do. Now, how to say this delicately but personalized...

“Um, S-seta-san...” the girl, Kirisame Miki, began. “You could probably a-already guess why I’m here... Um... I just wanted to say...”

“Say no more, Miki,” Kaoru politely interrupted. “I understand. However, how could I choose one of my little kittens over any of the others?” The gnawing feeling of hypocrisy wormed its way into Kaoru’s heart. She had chosen one over the others, liar that she was. “You are all special to me!” Placing a hand on Miki’s shoulder, Kaoru gave her one of her mostly princely grins.

“I-I understand...” the smile remained on Miki’s face, but it didn’t take a genius to see how the sparkle had faded from her eyes. “Thank you for hearing me out, Seta-san...”

“Please, call me Kaoru!” Kaoru implored, stooping down to Miki’s level. “And know that, even if I cannot join you hand in hand, you will always have me as a friend.” Miki hardly managed to nod before running off.

How could Kaoru have said that to her? She knew damn well that she could choose, she had chosen. Sure, it hadn’t been on  _ purpose _ , but it was true. And in all honesty, her feelings probably weren’t reciprocated. Kaoru was a princely, handsome type, and Maya probably liked cute girls. If she liked girls at all.

The Haneoka courtyard was nearly empty now. Checking that there truly was no one else around, Kaoru found her way to one of the nearest benches and sat down. She ran her fingers through her hair as she thought, or tried not to think.

“Kaoru-san!”

A familiar, beautiful voice stirred Kaoru from her thoughts. Glancing in the direction the voice had come from, Kaoru found Maya running up to her with a smile on her face.

“I’m glad I caught you!” Maya beamed, “I thought you had already left. I’m gonna have to leave soon myself, we’ve got a new group at the studio today. But I got to see you!”

“Indeed,” was all Kaoru could manage. Maya was luminescent. Breathtaking in every way. And Kaoru was a hypocrite and a liar and broke the hearts of girls who wanted nothing more than her love.

“...Are you okay?” The grin ran away from Maya’s face, and fear struck Kaoru in the heart.

“O-of course!” Kaoru stuttered, forcing a smile. “One of my little kittens confessed to me today. I had the unfortunate task of turning her down. How could I... how could I show favor to any one over the other?” That didn’t work. Maya still wasn’t smiling. In fact, Kaoru could even say she was frowning. “Maya...?”

“I don’t know, Kaoru-san,” was all Maya could say. “I’m sorry, though. It looks like it hurt you.”

“For more reasons than you know...” Kaoru sighed. “Maya. What would you do if someone confessed their love to you?” Maya looked startled.

“T-to me?!” she squeaked. “I-I don’t know! I can’t really imagine that happening. I’m not really interesting or normal.”

“Nonsense, dear.” Facing Maya, Kaoru brought her hand to her face. All of Kaoru’s instincts were screaming at her to kiss Maya, but she didn’t. She couldn’t. “You’re wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.” A blush spread its way across her companion’s face.

“I-I-I guess it would depend on the... person...” Maya’s voice trailed off as she looked at Kaoru. Hope soared in her heart. Did she mean...?

This was it. Now was her chance.

“Maya, I--”

“Oh, shoot!” Maya shouted, “I have rehearsal in ten minutes! I’m really sorry Kaoru-san, I gotta go! I’ll see you later!” And with that, Maya disappeared, running off.

Her love confession interrupted, Kaoru could only stare at the gates of Haneoka and watch Maya’s retreating form.

\--

Somehow, it only got worse from there.

Kaoru loved her band, truly she did. But what she didn’t love was all the time it took away from seeing Maya. It seemed that nearly every day, someone was waiting outside of the Haneoka gates to come and take Kaoru on some crazy adventure. She could hardly get a “we shall meet again” out to anyone who wasn’t actively chasing after her, and Maya was never part of that group.

“It makes my heart  _ ache _ , Misaki,” Kaoru lamented. Misaki could only give her a deadpan look.

“Everything makes your heart  _ ache _ , Kaoru-san.” she said, rolling her eyes.

“But this particular knife has the nastiest of edges to it,” Kaoru dramatically turned to Misaki. “It is the blade of love that has struck me down and rendered me lonely even in the presence of such lovely kittens as yourself.”

“I almost find it hard to believe you have feelings for Yamato-san when you keep flirting with everyone around you.” Misaki looked Kaoru in the eye. “But if you really want to spend more time with her, you could just ask, you know.”

“Therein lies the issue, dear Misaki,” Kaoru sighed, “Were I to do so, it could be construed that you and the rest of Hello Happy World are not important to me. And I cherish you all deeply!” She took Misaki’s hand and looked her deep in the eyes.

Fighting off a blush, Misaki grumbled, “We know you do, we know! That’s why it’s fine. Go hang out with your girlfriend or whatever.”

Now it was Kaoru’s turn to blush. “Unfortunately we are not yet entangled in the throes of a romantic relationship...”

“Maybe if you’d get out of here and just go hang out with her you would be,” Misaki muttered, taking her hand back and turning to leave.

“Misaki!” Kaoru called. Turning just her head around, Misaki looked back. “Thank you.”

Even though Misaki had left and Kaoru was excited to see Maya, she realized that she didn’t actually know if Maya was free today. Furrowing her brows, Kaoru pulled out her phone to message Maya.

[✨This too is fleeting✨: 15:27] Dearest Maya, are you free? ✨

The moments between Kaoru’s message and Maya’s response dragged on, each increasing by an order of magnitude in how long it felt. Finally...

[Drummer Girl : 15:30] Not right now, but in like 1.5 hours

[Drummer Girl : 15:30] Why?

[✨This too is fleeting✨ : 15:31] I would like to spend some time with you ✨

[Drummer Girl: 15:32] Haha okay, how about we meet up at Hazawa Coffee at 5?

[✨This too is fleeting✨ : 15:32] I shall await it with bated breath ✨

And await it Kaoru did. She would have preferred to go straight to the cafe, but the logical part of her brain convinced her that it wouldn’t really be good to just hang out there, constantly saying she was waiting for a friend. Of course, that did leave her with what was now one hour and twenty-six minutes to find something to do with her time.

After going on a nice walk, reading some Shakespeare (maybe this time she’d start to get it), and practicing guitar, Kaoru found that time had indeed passed! Success. Now she had... ten minutes?! She was definitely more than ten minutes away from Hazawa Coffee. Weighing her options, she decided on her most likely option for success: run for it.

It was way too hot for Kaoru to be running, but nonetheless she did. With the wind whipping through her hair and legs starting to burn from exertion they were definitely not used to, Kaoru ran, taking the path she had become so used to by now. The sun beat down on her and sweat was probably soaking through her uniform by this point, but it was worth it for Maya! If Maya didn’t think it was gross... No, don’t think too much, that’ll make you slow down! Kaoru doubled down and pushed and pushed and pushed until she reached the front doors of Hazawa Coffee, shoving the doors open with more effort than was necessary.

A very confused-looking Maya was sitting at a table close to the entrance. Kaoru’s face lit up when she saw her, even if its effect was somewhat mitigated by her heavy panting. With a final burst of effort, Kaoru made it to the table and collapsed.

“Kaoru-san, are you okay?” Maya asked, confusion coming over her face. “Why are you so out of breath?”

“I... lost track... of the time...” Kaoru breathed, “Had to... run... to make it... here.”

“I could have waited!” Maya insisted. Ah, her worry was so charming. Everything about her was, honestly. From the way she leaned in when she was worried to the little freckles that appeared on her face in the summer to the way her hair kept falling in front of her face, making her push it back. Even when Kaoru’s body felt like it was giving up on her, she let out a dreamy sigh and smiled at Maya. “Kaoru-san? You didn’t respond...”

“A-ah!” Kaoru turned on her prince mode again. “I simply got distracted staring into your eyes. They are like a forest, deep and lush, and they sparkle like the springtime.” Everything Kaoru was saying was genuine, but she had to hide it. There was no way she could let Maya find out about her feelings. Maya would reject her, for sure. Even though her blushing face got Kaoru’s hopes up far more than it should have. “Nevertheless, I could not ask you to wait. You are busier than a bumblebee in the springtime, and it would be inconsiderate of me to keep you lying in wait while I dilly-dallied.”

“Well, as long as you’re okay, I guess it’s fine.” The smile returned to Maya’s face, and Kaoru breathed a sigh of relief.

“In any case, what had you so entangled today, my kitten?” Kaoru asked, leaning in.

“Ah, I had one-on-one practice with Eve-san!” Maya’s smile grew a little wider. “She was having trouble keeping the rhythm on her keytar, so she asked me to help! It was really nice, I don’t get to spend a lot of time with her since she goes to a different school and she’s in all those clubs and stuff.” Ah. So Maya wanted to spend time with Eve. And she got to. That was... that was good. Maya seemed really happy about it. So why did it feel like Kaoru’s heart had sunk to the bottom of her stomach?

“How was that?” Was all Kaoru could manage to ask. Hopefully nothing seemed off.

“Really good!” Maya exclaimed, “Eve-san actually has a pretty good sense of rhythm, but when she combined it with dancing and playing the keyboard sideways, or vertically I guess, it got kind of hard. But I showed her some basic ways to help keep the rhythm! And I made sure to tell her she could rely on my drumming.” Kaoru managed to keep the smile on her face, doing everything she could to keep it from cracking. Why wasn’t she happy for Maya? Was this... jealousy?

Luckily, before Maya could continue, the first-year Hazawa Tsugumi came over to take their orders. Kaoru ordered a small latte, while Maya got a coffee with a little cream and sugar and a pastry. When their orders arrived, Kaoru just stared into her latte while Maya talked. She was paying attention, of course, but at the same time she tried to drive the nails of envy out of her heart. If this was what unrequited love felt like, Kaoru wanted no part of it.

\--

Today was not a good day for Kaoru.

Band practice had been cancelled, there was no drama club rehearsal, and that wasn’t even the start of it. From the beginning, she’d had an “off” day. Maybe she woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or some god out there had it out for her. Either way, Kaoru had started out the day in a bad mood and could only watch as things got worse. The pop quiz she hadn’t been prepared for. The way she’d tripped and fell when running in gym. And then she had screwed up reading out loud in class. Honestly, thinking back on it, it didn’t seem that bad. But she was past that point; her mood had been soured.

Instead of doing anything about it, though, she sat alone in the theatre after school. She wasn’t brooding, per se, but she also wasn’t  _ not _ brooding. Was it dramatic to brood? Maybe she was brooding. Just as she was grumbling to herself about how terrible she felt, the doors to the theatre opened.

_ Drat _ , Kaoru thought,  _ I’ve got to hide _ . Thinking as fast as she could, Kaoru decided to go up into the rafters. They probably wouldn’t find her there, if she could avoid being noisy. Luckily, Kaoru wasn’t particularly heavy, and her ascent up the ladder was as quiet as it could be. Relieved, she let out a sigh as she sat down. Finally. Safe from other people. God, that wasn’t too like her to think, was it? Wait, why was she worried about being in-character for herself?

Finally daring to see who had come in, Kaoru looked down. Oh. It was Maya. Why was Maya here? Ignoring her desire to call out to Maya in favor of her desire to brood alone, Kaoru instead watched her friend below.

Maya took out what appeared to be a bunch of papers stapled together. What was that... It looked awfully familiar. Wait, no, Kaoru definitely recognized that, even from this distance. That was the script for their latest play, a musical in fact. Maya flipped through the pages before finally settling on one. Ah, this one had a score on it. After a glance across the page, she cleared her throat.

“ _ So this is love, mmm... _ ” Maya sang. “ _ So this is love... So this is what makes life divine! _ ” Her sour mood forgotten, Kaoru stared as Maya sang. She wasn’t just singing, though. She had put her script down and begun to act. She had become the star of the show. Dancing around the stage, Maya sang. “ _ I’m all aglow, mm... And now I know, the key to all heaven is mine. _ ”

Maya was a completely different person than she even was when performing in her band. She could truly act. There was no doubt in Kaoru’s mind that she could become the shining star of the play. _The play that we don’t have damn rehearsal for today..._ _No, don’t let those thoughts creep back in._ Before Kaoru had realized it, Maya was finishing her song. Leaning over the edge of the catwalk she was on, she sighed a wistful sigh. She could almost reach out and tell Maya that she...

Was falling,  _ oh, FUCK _ , she was falling! Kaoru leaned a little too far over the edge and realized that, oh, this catwalk isn’t entirely as stable as she thought, and now she was tumbling off the edge. Someone screamed, it was probably her, and hey there’s Maya looking up and screaming too and

_ WHOOMPH _

Well, that landing was certainly a lot  _ softer _ than Kaoru thought it would be. Not to say she wasn’t in pain, not by any stretch of the imagination. It was just a dull pain of a probably sprained something, rather than the sharp pain of snapped bones like she thought it would be. Looking around, she couldn’t quite find Maya. Until she heard a groaning from underneath her.

“Kaoru... san...” Maya strained to say, “Are you... okay...?” Maya was pinned underneath Kaoru, looking like she was in a lot of pain. As quickly as she could, Kaoru scrambled off of Maya and helped her sit up, eliciting another groan from the shorter girl.

“Maya, I -- ow -- I’m sorry!” Kaoru apologized, checking Maya up and down for any bleeding or obvious injuries. She didn’t seem to have any, aside from a blossoming bruise on her right leg.

“What were you doing up there?” Maya asked, teeth clenched.

“Um... I was most assuredly not brooding in a most unnecessarily dramatic manner...” Kaoru muttered, avoiding eye contact. Maya rolled her eyes with a smile.

“Well. At least you weren’t doing that.” she replied, a grin spreading further across her face.

Maybe today didn’t wind up so bad after all.


	3. III. Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is really heavy on self-hatred, so if you're particularly sensitive to that, take caution. also there's a mention of bleeding at one point

Every time Maya saw Kaoru with Chisato, the possibility of her feelings being returned felt more like a fantasy. Their easy dynamic, underscored by their roles in Haneoka’s latest play, felt like a disease in Maya’s heart. Of course, they were perfect together. On stage, that was. Kaoru and Chisato had acting talent in spades, far more than any two high schoolers had the right to. Unfortunately for Maya, she wasn’t sure how much of their roles as Romeo and Juliet were acting.

Still, Maya played her part diligently. She would support the players on the stage for as long as they stood upon it. No matter how she yearned, it didn’t matter. Her role was in the background. It didn’t matter.

She didn’t matter.

It was opening night and everyone was buzzing with excitement. Everyone except Maya, that was. Normally, she would be ecstatic, flitting around backstage with last minute preparations. But tonight, she just couldn’t. It was too much to bear. She’d have to see god damn Kaoru and god damn Chisato kiss tonight and tomorrow and it almost made her want to take Chisato’s prop dagger and stab herself for real.

She hung back, pointing where everyone had to go and be, and right before it all started, she made her way back to the best seat in the house: the sound booth. Her personal throne in her personal hell, where she got to see her crush and the girl she was in love with act like star crossed lovers.

For Kaoru’s part, she had been looking for Maya all evening. Where was she? She and Maya always spent every minute of opening night together. Every minute aside from when Kaoru was onstage, that was. But now Maya was nowhere to be seen. Every time Kaoru asked someone if they had seen here, they said yes, but that they didn’t know where she was now.

“Kaoru?” Chisato called. She was ready to perform, perfect as always. Kaoru was relieved to see her.

“Ah, Chisato!” Kaoru replied, “Why is it that you call for me?”

“Well, I thought we could get some warmups in.” Chisato responded, scrutinizing Kaoru. “But you don’t want to?”

“You have me all wrong, kitten,” Kaoru looked past Chisato, having thought she caught a glimpse of fluffy brown hair. “I would love to warm up with you. But I haven’t found my precious Maya.”

Chisato nodded. “I think Maya-chan has been avoiding us. I don’t know why, but I get the feeling it mostly has to do with you.” Kaoru stepped back as though she had been struck.

“Me?”

“Yes.” Chisato gazed into Kaoru’s eyes. “How close are you with her?”

“Not as close as I would prefer...” Kaoru mumbled, before shaking her head and speaking louder. “We are very good friends. I care for her very deeply, and I think she feels the same. About caring about me, that is. I am not sure that she returns my romantic inclinations for her.”

“Mm.” Chisato hummed. “Perhaps seeing you and I gives her the wrong impression. It might not be as impossible as you think that she loves you back.”

“But we have nothing romantic for each other?” Kaoru was confused. How could anyone mistake her friendship with Chisato for romance?

“Kaoru, we’re playing Romeo and Juliet in the play, and we’re very close.” Chisato glared. “Even you can see that, can’t you?”

“...I suppose...” Kaoru mumbled. “In any case, I should go and try to find her.”

Unfortunately, she was unable to find Maya before the play was to start. The only thing she got was a glimpse of Maya in the soundbooth right before the play started. Despite pushing it out of her brain while she was performing, Maya’s disappearance occupied her every thought otherwise.

Up in the booth, Maya performed her role. Just like she was supposed to. Every minute of seeing Kaoru and Chisato declare their love for each other was another cut, another blow to Maya’s self worth. Wasn’t love supposed to be magical? Wasn’t it supposed to make you feel elated? Why did it hurt so fucking much?

After they killed themselves on stage to the audience’s wild applause, and after said audience had finally left, Maya forced herself to exit the sound booth. There was probably no one left. Good. If Maya saw anyone they would probably see the tears streaming down her face. Or they’d see her puke from heartache. Was that even a thing? Did it even matter?

Her things were down in the farthest corner she could have put them. Of course. Wasn’t thinking, was she? No, she had just been trying to avoid everyone. And she had succeeded.

After the audience left, Kaoru remained on stage. She had removed her makeup and changed into something a little more comfortable than her Romeo costume, but nevertheless stayed. Of course, she was hoping to see Maya. Why else? Her true Juliet; nay, more like her Cinderella, could still be around.

Kaoru’s heart ached without her. It ached with her, too. Love was a complex thing. More than an emotion, it was almost a state of being. It was wonderful and it was painful. Kaoru’s heart soared when she was with Maya, but it plummeted whenever Maya seemed happy with someone else. It seemed love was inherently selfish, but selfless. It was contradictory. Kaoru didn’t like contradictions. Life would be so much easier if everything just made sense.

Just then, Kaoru noticed that the door to the soundbooth was open. Her heart leaped. Had Maya finally exited? Could she still see her? Or... was she too late? No, don’t dwell on that. There was still a chance.

Just when Maya thought she was in the clear, she could hear footsteps just off the stage. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Someone was there. Maya scrambled to put on her coat and start running away, but it was too late. They had seen her.

“Maya...?”

Kaoru’s voice stopped Maya dead in her tracks. It sounded so... hurt. Why? Shouldn’t she be happy? She had just put on a wonderful performance with her lover.

Maya didn’t turn around, not even when Kaoru stopped behind her. The only movement she made was flinching when Kaoru put her hand on her shoulder. She couldn’t bear to look at her. She’d break.

“Maya, what’s wrong?” Oh god, she sounded almost heartbroken.

“...Nothing.” Maya lied, her voice hard. She clenched her fists, so hard her fingernails dug into her palms and started to hurt. 

“Maya, I can tell that’s not true...”

“SHUT UP!”

Kaoru took a step back, her hand leaving Maya’s shoulder. Tears started to overflow from Maya’s eyes.

“What do you care about how I’m feeling right now?” Maya choked. “There’s no way you could understand.”

“Please, let me try...” Kaoru sounded so small. Maya felt like the worst person alive.

“You couldn’t,” and Maya couldn’t help but spin around as she sneered, “ _ Kao-chan. _ ”

Bag in hand, Maya began to run. She didn’t know where she was going, she could hardly even see for the tears in her eyes. It wasn’t like she needed to, the theatre and its backstage were as familiar as the palms of her hands. Before she even realized it, she had shoved herself into the furthest closet in the storeroom and sat down in fetal position. Sobs she didn’t know she had in her let themselves out in violent bursts. The crescent-shaped marks her nails had left from her iron grip began to bleed, and Maya held back a scream of pain. Why did love have to hurt so much? How could her best friend betray her by loving someone else? Why couldn’t she just disappear already?

The pain hadn’t left Maya when she stopped crying, but its edge had dulled. A small sob left her body every time she thought of what had just happened, and everything that had led up to it. How could she tell Kaoru to shut up? How could she use her childhood friend’s nickname for ner against her? Maya felt nothing but disgust for herself.

That disgust tripled when the door to the closet opened, and at the door she saw Kaoru.

Backlit though she may have been, Maya could make out every line of her face. Including the streaks of tears left on her face. Without needing to think about it, Maya added “making Kaoru cry” to the list of reasons she was a horrible person. But instead of apologizing, she just turned away.

“Maya...” Kaoru’s voice shook. It wasn’t the stable presence that led Maya through the worst of her attacks, but the broken voice of someone who had been betrayed. “What’s going on...?” Maya stayed silent for a few moments more. But she couldn’t just ignore Kaoru forever.

“I... I can’t...” her voice was hoarse. She hardly had anything left in her. Hesitantly, Kaoru moved to sit next to Maya. Or at least as close as she could manage in the tiny closet.

“I care about you so, so much, Maya...” Kaoru whispered. “What could make you think I don’t...? And what does Chisato have to do with it...?”

“You care about me...” Maya started, “But how do you really feel about me?”

“What do you--”

“Because I’m in love with you, Kaoru-san.”

Finally, Maya turned to face Kaoru. Fresh tears spilled from Maya’s eyes as she tore the final threads of their friendship. It was all over now. Maya had sacrificed the best thing to ever happen to her for the sake of telling the truth.

“I’m in love with you, and that’s why it hurts every time I see you with Chisato.” Maya continued, “It’s so, so clear to me that you two are in love. I mean, come on. Childhood friends who reunite, and you’re even performing the roles of Romeo and J-Juliet.” She couldn’t be angry anymore. She was breaking. “And who am I? I’m no one. Your old friend, the girl who you used to hang out with but now you have others.”

“Maya...”

“And I’m going to be stuck alone and hating myself forever because I’m not good enough for you, Kaoru-san! And I never will be. I’m just some fuck-up who--”

Kaoru surged forward and in an instant, Maya’s world stopped. Kaoru was kissing her. Kaoru was... kissing her? Kaoru was kissing her and Maya closed her eyes and kissed her back. Everything had flipped upside down. What was going on?

All too soon, the kiss was over and Maya was left staring at Kaoru, not saying a word. What could she even say? Why had Kaoru kissed her?

“Maya...” Kaoru repeated. She was crying again, oh god no had she not wanted to kiss Maya? “I love you too. I always have. Ever since our first performance together, I couldn’t deny my feelings for you. You’re the only princess for me, Maya. It’s only you.”

Maya still couldn’t say anything. Instead of talking, she let herself fall into Kaoru. Her arms were waiting, just like always.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is taken from "All of Me" by John Legend.
> 
> I swear I originally wanted this to be silly and funny. And like. Not 8k words. But sometimes life doesn't turn out quite how we intended, does it?
> 
> Follow me on Twitter @cremecaramei!


End file.
